Blaming others for what we think we lack turns us into victims and damsels in distress sending out alarm signals that attract the rescuers who ride in on their chargers in an attempt to fix their rescuees. However, because the rescuees have not learnt to create their own happiness, joy, peace, calm, contentment, confidence, love, etc, any relief brought by the rescuers' attention, compassion, love, money, lifestyle, etc, is only temporary and the old discontent, criticism, conflict, anger, depression, emptiness, dissatisfaction, loneliness, despair, etc, creep slowly back in to create the relationship the victims think they deserve because their lack of respect for their lives means they cannot respect the lives of their rescuers and the relationship either ends or becomes one of grinding blame, resentment, conflict and even hatred. The cycle of distress, rescue and blame begins again because the rescuer has not learnt that they cannot save anyone who is not prepared to help themselves so they gallop on looking for another victim to rescue while and the victim pulls out the distress flares again to attract someone else to rescue them. This pattern is the drug to the e-motional addict.

The needy are so obsessed with what they think they lack that they find it hard to sense the true intentions and e-motional states of those they become involved with. If they don't attract a rescuer, they may go for someone who is distant, e-motionally unavailable and unable to commit. In this case they are both operating in complete fantasy. The victim is placing all their fantasies of a strong, loving, committed partner onto the e-motionally distant one who is unable to fulfill that dream and the e-motionally distant one is playing out the fantasy of offering a strong, loving, committed relationship when they have no idea what that is and how to behave in it. Unless both parties are willing to stick it out with each other and work through the issues they each have, the relationship is doomed as the victim will not find what they are looking for as the e-motionally distant and unable to commit one will soon pull the plug. Both parties will play out this scenario over and over again, oblivious to the fact that they are each creating the outcomes they get. They keep adjusting their rose-coloured glasses and wading into the breach once more until they give up and stay single.

When people don't respect the life that they are, they can jump from relationship to relationship, from sexual encounter to sexual encounter, from situation to situation whether in the workplace or in their personal lives. They become the victim of every boss and co-worker, even those they are above in position because they are caught up e-motionally in their work and, in their self-obsession, they think everything is about them. Thus, if a co-worker is not particularly friendly one day, they imagine it is because of something they said or did, rather than the fact that the co-worker might just be tired or worried about something that has nothing to do with our victim who ties themselves up in knots wondering what they did or said, obsessing for hours about it and the souring the relationship anyway because of how they now react to the co-worker. They have created what they believed out of the fantasy of self-obsession.

We almost all have tendencies towards victim mentalities in some parts of our lives just as we all have insecurities and doubts that we don't want on display so we develop fake fronts of confidence, of "I'm all right", "I know who I am and what I want and I am happy with my life" and "I'm strong and in control" and these are the fronts we use to face those we don't know very well, those we work and socialise with. Usually, we only reveal our traumas to those close to us and, with them, we often play out the e-motional insecurities and reaction, sensitivity, hurt, jealousy, blame, victim mentality, justification, judgement, criticism, etc. If we are not conscious of the relationship we want to create and behaving in ways that nurture that, we can easily save the "worst" of us for those we are closest to and supposed to love because we feel safe enough to do so. Then there is the holding others to account for what we have done; "Look what I did for you, look at the money I gave you, look at the dinner I made you, look at the car I gave you....." If these things had been done freely from the heart, we would never bring them up and the fact that we do shows that we were doing them from a sense of duty, from "I have to", from resentment, resignation and righteousness. Again, someone else is responsible for our misery and we don't stop to look in the mirror.

There is no relief from these patterns until we finally wake up to the fact that we are the only ones who can take full responsibility for changing and healing our lives. We are fully responsible for creating our happiness, contentment, joy, intimacy, affection, respect, warmth, etc, and we can only do that when we stop blaming others for our suffering and realise that we are creating everything going wrong in our lives and our relationships. If we want someone who is loyal, strong and committed, we have to become someone who is loyal, strong and committed. This means we stop projecting weakness, desperation, sadness, distrust, helplessness, neediness, dissatisfaction, emptiness and loneliness.

If we want to be free of the patterns of our destructive e-motions, we have to observe and learn them so we recognise when they are rearing their ugly heads. Once we learn to recognise them, we can work on not acting them out, of thinking, "Do I want to say this unkind thing?", "Do I want to be needy right now?", "What fantasy am I creating and projecting onto this future partner?", "What fake front am I showing them now instead of being honest about my issues?" And when the destructive e-motions of anger, resentment, jealousy, poor me, despair, etc, come along, we can recognise them and then get back to doing something creative, or go for a walk or a swim, and remind ourselves that this is not what we are about and not what we want to focus on. The more we practise, the easier it becomes to let the destructive e-motions go and to create our happiness, contentment and joy as we create the lives and partnerships we dream of through what we have to share with others rather than what we want from others.

By practising being defined, we are also practising giving up the full responsibility for our lives because we are practising making others responsible for our lives. While we learn to do this e-motionally when we are younger from the example of those around us, as we grow older, we also give up the full responsibility for other areas of our lives, turning to the administrators, agents, representatives, experts and status based title holders of The System to give us relief from the destructive e-motions through the evolution of the rules, regulations, stipulations, conditions, contracts, etc, they provide.

Through constant, gradual inculcation and assimilation, we are tied to The System e-motionally through the contracts, licenses, registrations, money, mortgages, leases, etc, that we rely on to give us what we think is security and progress. The e-motions always cause us to default by proxy to giving up full responsibility for our lives, even to the point of taking on the world views offered to us. Through the assimilation into the programs of the e-motions, we have collectively created the Dark Ages of fiction, and our real lives are not there - that was all thrown out long ago. Through recalling the e-motions consistently, we constantly keep telling our lives that our life is not good enough so we are always looking for something else somewhere else.

This is the direct opposite of working with the virtues of the good heart where we are inspired to work together without being driven by the e-motions. Raised by nature, undefined, the whole of life is intact and we have no need for anything because the whole of life is already taking care of the whole of life, with each of us naturally being the whole of life in practice. But when we are raised in fiction, with everything of life defined to us, the acceptance of others defining our lives becomes the norms of compliance, acquiescence, subjugation and domination through accepting others telling us who we are, what we are, and how we should think, feel and act for the whole of our lives. In being like this, we are asserting that the whole of our lives is not intact, and that much of life is missing in each of our lives, and therefore, we go searching for what we don't have. This is the basis of being a spoon fed slave for a whole lifetime.